The Proud Karigan G'ladheon
by Willowstorm9
Summary: Karigan's private journal
1. Chapter 1

**A journal for Karigan, a companion to A Secret Love of Zachary Hillander. **

* * *

I simply cannot give in to you. I will not lose my honor, even if it means my heart will shatter. The pieces can be picked up and put back together. There is always a way. I _have_ to hold firm to that fact, even if my heart will never be whole again.

You once tempted me with the chance to be with you, to be yours, but I need more than just a night here or there, always worrying about who might discover us. It is not a way to live. Even if it is the only way to be with you.

While I may never be able to stop loving you, I know we can never be together. Try as you and I might fight our circumstances, it is always doomed to fail. We were simply born into the wrong class, at the wrong time and for that, we must accept that we can never be together. I must accept it.

I may not be able to be near you without longing desperately for you, I will never besmirch your name or all that you have done. You deserve so much more than what I can offer you.

The daily life and emotions of one insignificant Rider should not be of any concern to you nor will you ever know how much I love you and how much it kills me to see you with anyone else.

My hearts desires and wishes will be buried deep in me so that I can stand proud and tall in your presence. You deserve that much. You will not have to deal with the pain of my broken heart or how hard it is for me to breathe without you.


	2. Chapter 2

You once tempted me with the chance to be with you, but I need more than just a night here or there, always wondering if and when we will be found out. It is not a way I had ever imagined living nor would I ever live such a life.

While I may never be able to stop loving you, I know we can never be together, even though you will your heart's desires into life. We were simply born into the wrong class, at the wrong time, but I will never regret knowing you.

I may not be able to be near you without longing for you, I will never besmirch your name and all that you have done. You, who have captured my wild heart, have captured the love of the people. A king who puts the needs of his people is to be admired and loved by all.

The daily life and emotions of one insignificant Rider should not concern to her king nor will you ever know how much I love you.

My heart's desires and wishes will be buried deep within me so that I can stand proud and tall in your presence.

You deserve that much.


	3. Chapter 3

p class="MsoNormal"Who do you think you are? Tearing my love apart as if you own the world and everything in it. You left a scar in my heart so you cannot get my back. I have grown too much to know that this is not to be repeated./p  
p class="MsoNormal"I've learned to live half a life. I struggled daily, fighting to stay away from you when all I wanted to do was run to you. I won't let you collect my heart again./p  
p class="MsoNormal"Please don't come back for me. I am not to be found. I've grown to strong to fall back into your arms. I will not let you scar my heart again. I finally managed to pick up the pieces./p  
p class="MsoNormal"Please don't come back for me. I have taken a step away from you./p  
p class="MsoNormal"But you haven't lost my love. You will always have it. I just can no longer fall deeper in love with you. We both know it is doomed to fail./p  
p class="MsoNormal"Gods so I love you though./p  
p class="MsoNormal"strongAN - This was inspired by Christina Perri's Jar of Hearts./strong/p 


	4. Chapter 4

I do not think you realize the position you have put me in. You are king and can have anything and any you want, yet you want me and only me.

Why?

I am nothing special nor do I want to be. I am content to be who I was born to be, but you want to change. I never aspired to anything but to follow in my father's footsteps.

Can you not see that it is slowly killing me? You have offered me the dreams of many, but it was not my dream. I dream of it now.

I want it so bad, but I cannot have it. I cannot have you, and gods do I want you. I long for you with everything that I am. I have never wanted so much in my life and you are the one thing I cannot have.

You are the man I have always secretly dreamed about. The one would who come and sweep me off my feet and love me for who I am and you are now within my reach. I want to run into your arms and let you love me as I love you.

However, I cannot. You are the king and I am a commoner from a wealthy family. We can never be together no matter how much I should wish it otherwise.


	5. Chapter 5

Can you see how jealous I am? Do you even care enough to see?

What am I thinking? O f course you care. I see the secretive glances you steal when you think no one is watching. I hear it in your voice when you talk to me. I feel it in your touches when you brush your hand against mine.

But do you know how much I hate seeing you surrounded by people who can talk to you and can pretend to have a normal conversation? I wish that I could do that? I want to be the one to make you smile when you have been frowning. I want to see your eyes light up when I want in the room.

My jealousy is getting the better of me. It is drawing me to action that will only hurt me. I must resist.

I am a Green Rider, sworn to my king and country in a service to protect and help maintain the peace. I can never forget that. I take pride in that even if my heart yearns for something different.

I am very jealous.


	6. Chapter 6

I often see your burning glances and blatant stares. I can feel how powerful your feelings are for me and I wish I could tell you how much I admire and love you, but I can't.

At night, I dream of being in your arms. The contours of your face are as familiar as my own. Your brown eyes are my favorite shade of brown. Your brilliant smile lights up my day and that twinkle in your eye makes me swoon. But those are just fantasies.

You were well out of my reach before I walked into your world. There can be nothing between us, even if we both wish with all our hearts for it.

My dreams and longings pull me to you, and every day, it gets harder to resist. I want to give in and finally be able to call you mine.

Dreams have no place in our lives. Our lives are much to complicated to live in the clouds with the gods. No, there is too much at stake for us to woolgather.

Even if I can't live in a waking dream, I can still dream while I am asleep and hope you dream of me. That is all I can do, for anything else would be too painful.


	7. Chapter 7

I am a Green Rider and I am proud of it. I can count myself in an elite force, trusted with the royal messages and as a representative of the king.

But that is not all who I am. I am a young woman, far from home and deeply in love with one person I can never have.

Why must fate be so cruel to me? Did I anger the wrong god? It is as if the gods wanted something to play with and decided it was my emotions. I must have done something in a past life.

To see him standing so close and know he is so far is unbearable.

I often imagine what it would be life to be able to call him mine for just a moment. Any long and things would happen that I would regret. A life time with him wouldn't be enough for me, if I was so lucky to get that.

That road is one I must never travel down. It is the most perilous one I would ever travel.

But oh how I love him.


	8. Chapter 8

Do you see the crippling pain I am in? How much I fight myself to stay away from you? How much I long to be near you?

How could you? You are the king and do not have the time to spare for a lowly messenger such as myself.

Regardless, I am proud to be a Green Rider and of where I come from. Both have shaped me. And brought me to you. Most could never have the chance to get to know the man behind the crown such as I have and I thank the gods for that fateful fight at school.

No matter how much I long that we were born to the same class, I will never regret meeting you or serving you.

You are an amazing king and I hope that, when I marry, he will be as thoughtful and kind as you are.

I will never forget you, no matter where life takes me, you will always have a piece of my heart.


End file.
